


At the Gathering

by meowloudly15



Category: Warriors - Erin Hunter
Genre: First story posted on AO3, Gay Jokes, Gen, I have no idea what I'm doing, I've never used these tags before, If you don't like absurd humour then don't read this story, Originally Posted on FanFiction.Net, PO3 Spoilers, RIP Smokefoot 2k something something, Those character tags were a nightmare, Vaguely inane, Warriors has a ton of characters, annnnd Dovepaw was added out of order but what the heck, characters listed in order of appearance
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-01-17
Updated: 2019-01-17
Packaged: 2019-10-11 22:22:25
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,363
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17455379
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/meowloudly15/pseuds/meowloudly15
Summary: A rather blatant satire of the Warriors series. Set between "Sunrise" and "The Fourth Apprentice". Rated K plus for black comedy and some mildly insensitive jokes.





	At the Gathering

**Author's Note:**

> All right, hello to everybody on AO3! This story was initially posted on FanFiction.Net back in... wow. March of 2018. That's a long time ago.
> 
> Anyways, I've decided to append notes about this story as... well, kind of a warning. But I'm going to leave in my old author's notes from March, because why not. Those explain pretty much everything.
> 
> I always tend to ramble in my notes. Oh well.

**Hello, readers! This is meowloudly15! How's it going?**

**This story takes place after _Sunset_ and before _The Fourth Apprentice_ , so as not to provide too many spoilers to readers.**

**I do not own _Warriors_ or any related characters. However, parody is protected speech. :)**

**I had a lot of fun writing this story. I hope you enjoy it as much as I did!**

* * *

It was the night of the Gathering. A full moon shone through a cloudless sky onto the island far below. On the island were gathered roughly one hundred and twenty cats, around 30 from each of the four Clans, as opposed to the 25 from ThunderClan and the 5-10 from each of the others that showed up in the old territories.

"Here's hoping nothing too dramatic happens tonight," muttered Firestar as he leaped into the branches of the pine tree along with Leopardstar, Blackstar, and Onestar.

"Yeah," whispered back Blackstar. "I could really use a rest from the world being doomed."

The four leaders yowled to get the other cats to shut up. The deputies and medicine cats gathered around the roots of the tree.

Leopardstar spoke up, her voice quavering with age. "Prey continues to run well in RiverClan. We recently welcomed two new apprentices, Rushpaw and Troutpaw."

The cats cheered for the apprentices, who looked on sheepishly but proudly.

Onestar spoke up. "We have a message to share with you all from StarClan."

All of the cats stared intently at Barkface, who had fallen asleep at the base of the pine tree. Kestrelflight nudged him gently.

"What?" he said, jolting up. "Oh, right. The prophecy."

Barkface slowly raised himself to a sitting position, then began to speak. "StarClan told me that... mouse dung. I forgot what I was saying. Where am I?"

Kestrelflight whispered something into Barkface's ear. Barkface turned to him and said, "What?"

Kestrelflight whispered it again. Barkface replied, "I can't hear you. Speak up!"

Kestrelflight, now extremely ticked off, yelled, "YOU GOTTA TELL THEM ABOUT THE PROPHECY, FOR STARCLAN'S SAKE!"

Barkface looked at him quizzically for a heartbeat. "Oh! The prophecy! Yes, I suppose I should tell the Clans about it for the sake of StarClan."

Berrynose gave Cinderheart a sidelong glance, then whispered, "Man, I'm shocked Barkface hasn't retired by now. He's REALLY old."

Cinderheart mewed back, "Yeah, but that can be said for a lot of cats in our Clan, too."

Nightcloud, who was sitting behind the two young warriors, snapped, "Would you two shut up and listen?"

Barkface stood up shakily. "I HAVE A MESSAGE FROM STARCLAN!" he began, gesticulating wildly with his tail. "StarClan says that we are all doomed again!"

The Clans gasped. They then immediately wondered how cats could possibly be capable of gasping.

"And Smokefoot will be the one to save us all!"

Smokefoot leaped up, startled. "WHAT?" he exclaimed.

Willowshine nudged Mothwing with her tail and whispered, "Finally! Someone other than a ThunderClan cat gets a prophecy about them!"

Mothwing responded, "But prophecies aren't REAL! Barkface must either be hallucinating or have eaten an off rabbit this afternoon."

Jayfeather interjected, "Just 'cause I can't see doesn't mean I can't hear, you know."

Willowshine sheepishly replied, "Oh. Sorry about insulting your Clan."

"Why must you all be so apologetic and doormat-ish to me?" Jayfeather began to complain. "Just 'cause I'm blind doesn't mean you should pity me!"

Mothwing attempted to say, "But that's not the-"

Jayfeather cut her off with a loud, angst-ridden sign. He turned away and sunk his head between his paws.

Mothwing mumbled, "Darned if you do, darned if you don't."

Barkface continued, "Evil cats from Twolegplace shall attack the Clans, led by Jingostar! Smokefoot will then-"

"Man, StarClan is being so darn unclear again," whispered Blackstar to Leopardstar, who nodded curtly.

Smokefoot then stood up and exclaimed, "WAIT!"

The Clans turned to look at him.

"HOW am I even still ALIVE?!"

A murmur ran through the cats. (Mousefur caught it in her paw before it could escape.)

"What do you mean?" asked Cloudtail.

Smokefoot ranted, "Oh, come ON! You all saw me fall off that ledge in the mountains! I remember it, too! I was just falling, and then, all of a sudden, it's three or four moons later and I'm in the middle of ShadowClan's new camp!"

Brackenfur also stood up. "Yeah, I understand completely! The colour of my fur keeps changing unexpectedly!"

Other cats began to rise and exclaim their worries.

Dovepaw yowled, "How do my eyes keep changing colour?"

Rowanclaw stood up. "I used to be a she-cat!"

Tawnypelt gasped (wondering in the back of her head how she could do that) and turned to Rowanclaw, horror written all over her face. "WAIT, YOU'RE GAY?!"

Rowanclaw began to explain: "Uh, no, I'm, that is, you... Mouse dung. JUST ACCEPT IT AND DEAL WITH IT, MATE!"

Kestrelflight stood up. "I think that gay cats are underrepresented here in the Clans and that we oughta band tog-"

The yowling stopped. Realising what he had just said, Kestrelflight slapped his tail over his mouth.

Jayfeather muttered, "Well, this explains a lot."

The yowling picked back up.

"Why do we keep facing the same villains over and over?"

"Four legs good, two legs bad!"

"Why do only the supporting characters die?"

"What's a character?"

"WAIT! I think I mated my SISTER!"

"What's so bad about medicine cats not having mates?"

"Why does the fandom hate me?"

"Why do all the bad guys look like Tigerstar?"

"What's a fandom?"

"Oh, right. The family tree got shuffled around again. I'm mating my brother's sister. That's fine, right?"

"Why haven't we yet made up names for all the unfamiliar stuff left by Twolegs? Like that bad-smelling water that almost killed some RiverClan kits? Can we call it deathwater?"

"Wait. My dad kept talking about this cat named Tallsomething. OH GOD WAS HE-"

"Why does everybody hate Mudclaw so much? He was a nice enough cat. That rebellion against me, he had a fair point."

"What's a god?"

All the while, the full moon remained unobscured. StarClan could not control the weather, after all.

Suddenly, Thistleclaw appeared completely out of nowhere on the island bridge. "IT'S FINALLY TIME FOR ME TO TAKE OVER THE CLANS!" he hollered.

The RiverClan cats leaped into the water and swam away. All of the other cats panicked and attempted to hide.

Mousefur then stood up and said, "Hey! I know you! You were that no-good power-seeker! Well, get outta here before I lose my temper!"

Thistleclaw yelled back, "NO! TIGERSTAR HAS BEEN OVERSHADOWING ME FOR FAR TOO LONG! I DESERVE MY CHANCE NOW!"

Mousefur replied with a raise of her nonexistent eyebrows, "You'll pay for this, sonny."

She threw the murmur at Thistleclaw, who collapsed in agony.

"noooo. i lost all my vocal prowess. now i have no power in the realm of the living," he attempted to yell as he slowly disappeared.

A cloud drifted by and covered the moon.

Firestar gasped (wondering, not for the first time, how gasping was at all possible for cats). "Mousefur! It's a sign!" he exclaimed. "Your actions were viewed by StarClan as horrendous and treacherous! I hereby exile you from my Clan!"

"But... but... but..." Mousefur attempted to say as she was forcibly escorted by Lionblaze and Brackenheart over the tree bridge and out of the Clan territories.

Longtail turned his head from side to side, flabbergasted. "NOW how am I supposed to cross the tree bridge?"

He padded his way to the bridge, leaped onto it, and walked right off the side into the water where he drowned.

Up in StarClan, Bluestar facepawed, shaking her head, saying, "No no no no no..."

The newly-dead Longtail sat down next to her and said, "Uh... I just can't think of a good enough one-liner to end this story."

* * *

**As you can probably tell, I am sleep-deprived.**

**Thanks to TV Tropes and the Warrior Cats Wiki for cross-referencing assistance!**

**I plan to write a story regarding how Smokepaw became Smokefoot at some point. For now, I am working on a couple of stories for The Loud House. Feel free to check them out!**

**Hope to see you around!**


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